I had to write my own monologue for my audition at LIPA earlier today. I wrote it a while ago, but didnt want to post it until after I had done the audition. Anyway, i’ve done the audition now (and didnt get in :(), but I’m pretty proud of the monologue I wrote, so I thought I’d post it here. Here it is…
Ed, I just don’t know what more I can do…
What am I doing wrong?
I’m a nice guy aren’t I?
I do nice things.
I always hold doors open for people. Say ‘hi’ with a smile. Gees, I even buy people drinks when I feel like it.
But that still isn’t good enough is it.
People always want more – nothing is ever quite enough.
It’s not like I’m unpopular. I have plenty of friends!
Sometimes I think I have too many. I’m no good with names…
I mean, how can they not want me…
Bloody women. Half the time I don’t even think they know what’s best for ‘em.
Is it my looks?
No, it can’t be. Not if Matt can get a girl like Jenny. I wouldn’t mind a bit of her…
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m too good looking? Scares girls off maybe?
That sounds like I’m arrogant doesn’t it. I’m not. Really! I’m not!!
I’m sensitive. Thought girls wanted that. Don’t they?
I’m not looking for a one night stand. I’m a relationship person.
Mind you, I am good in bed. Or so I’ve been told…
And to be fair, I’ll take what I can get at the moment!
Three girls I asked…THREE. And all of them had better things to be doing.
I want them to be doing ME…
Instead, they’re doing their hair, scared of upsetting the ex… baking cakes!
Bloody women. Bloody Saint Valentine.
I knew I was Atheist for a reason.